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Late Night Thoughts

Sometimes I find it pretty hard to move on, not because you're that good and worthy, but because I feel sad about how fast the time past, how much I've grown, and how long I've been trying to be good enough. I miss the days where I was just a little girl who thought my family and my boyfriend are my entire world. I miss the girl who loves to smile and cheerful and always stays optimism. As sooner as I grew, I realized that the world isn't as simple as I thought. I hate it, really. I don't know why can't the world be much more simplier. I learnt that every single one in this world is covered with a layer of protection and I wondered why. I thought if you take off your mask, the others will do the same, and that is how you find sincerity in this society. And then I finally realized that when you treat every single individual sincerely, people will take you for granted and you'll end up getting hurt. I don't know, call me stubborn, but I really hate this layer of protection. I took it off, but people made me covered up again. I wanted to take it off again, but I realized that I just can't. I'm getting mysterious these days. And I really really hate it. Sometimes I think that I'm stucked in a invisible glass box. I can see the world outside, but I can't feel it, nor experience it. I want to break out. I'm trying, really really hard. Sometimes I think that I am the one who was born with thorns. I hurt everyone. I push everything hard. I seek for perfection within myself. I am the one who made everyone else left. I thought I enjoy being alone. In fact, I'm not. I mean, going anywhere without company is nice and challenging and fun and free. However, when there's nobody who truly cares about you and be there for you, that loneliness comes from deep down, so deep that even Adele could not roll it in. I really want a shoulder to lean on, but I know the only one I can lean on is me, myself, and I. I'm getting tired of it. I'm so sick of it. Few days ago in the afternoon, I finally know why people would harm themselves, doing the cutting and stuff. I had the same intention to do so. I was thinking if I could make myself sick so I can have an excuse to everything and let my heart take a break in the hospital. You know what? I'm so glad that I have amazing self-control, or else I'm sure you're not going to see me again. I'm really tired, exhausted, worn out. But then, except for keep on going and pushing myself to the limit, I don't know what else I can do.

I silently wish that you who read this post can help me but I know till the end, I need to go through this depression all by my own.
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