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Love Myself

I know I did not love myself enough.

I let myself cried over the same thing again and again. My heart chose to stay in the past because the present is stressing it out. I wish to turn back time, back to the days where I was complete with no scars nor wounds. I can't forgive myself for the mistakes I've made in the past. I always overthink and it gives me hard time to fall asleep.

I do not tidy up my room. I just let it be and ignore it, even though I feel uncomfortable living in such messy room. But do not worry, I'm sure I will clean the mess up after SPM, where I can shift all the reference books out from the shelves.

I always message the others, asking the others if they're okay. I know they need hug / somebody to rant on. So I'll try my best to be there for them. However, I never care about how broken I am. I just hide all the feelings into a huge giant big box and carry it with my heart. I guess it now weighs 25kg. I hope it drops until -47kg.

I don't think twice before I speak. I think ten dozens of times before I say it. I'm not carefree anymore. I hold something back when I talk to people. I don't know why but I really hate it.

I hate people for taking advantages from me. They take me for granted. They come to me with their problems and then end up I become the one involved in their problems. I am hurt. I don't want to be stingy so I'll just be like 'fine it's okay don't worry never mind' when they apologize.

I push myself to do things I do not like to do. I'll tell myself 'okay enqi, just a bit more, few more days, hang on, you can do it, you will be fine' but honestly I just want to chill out and get rid of things that stress me out.

And I do not cry for myself. I pity every single one in this world but I have no mercy for me, myself and I. I always tell myself that I have no time for tears. Wanna cry? Wait until you get your things done.

Oh gosh. I feel so empty inside. This depression is so serious but I just hide it from my family. Smile more, enqi, you can do it.

I need to learn how to love myself.
I need to love myself.
Maybe we should all love ourselves before we love the others.

*send hugs*

Goodnight, at 12.56am.
With moral paper waiting for me 7 hours later.

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